I have not forgotten that I used to live on 242 Josephine St. Apartment A. Atlanta, GA.
I used to get up every morning between 7:30 and 9:00 and take my dog on a run or a long walk. Like clockwork. Sometimes, I would pass by Christy Bradley's house. I passed by her house, and the green Godfather van with the AK-47 stenciled on the spare tire cover, whenever I decided I wanted a radial bagel.
And now I do not live anywhere, and pretty soon (this weekend) will be moving into my first grownup house: 3 bedrooms, radiant floors, a 360 degree horizon line. It's a place where my parents and friends can come stay (and dog sit when I'm out of town). It takes 10 minutes to get there from downtown on Agua Fria, and if you squint your eyes on the way it might as well be 1853 and you might as well be riding a goat. When I leave my house, I can get on an Arroyo (dried up river bed) and walk in either direction for miles. And when I go to sleep at night I will have to learn new numbers to count all the stars that I can see from my bedroom window.
I came home because I want to see my mother and father more as they approach their old age. Because when I am surrounded by lush and beautiful green and a moderately bustling metropolitan area, I am aware that I am out of my element. Even after getting to know the view or the city from the Carter Center wall late at night. Even after spending time late by the pond there with the one who got away, or finding the Everglades (Constitution Lake) off of where Moreland and South River Bend road intersect past the Drive In. Even after watching the moon rise with my chauffeur from the bar at the top of the Westin.
There's a book that called something like 'A General Theory of Love', they talk about limbic regulators who are otherwise known as people you love and who love you, but they can also be things like being home. These feelings that we get around certain people or in certain circumstances regulates the part of the brain that is old and processes raw emotion. When these 'limbic regulators' change or go away, we can get physically sick.
And even though I am taking Chinese Herbs, and ChlorOxygen and Grapefruit Seed Extract, and I bathe at Ten Thousand Waves on the semi-regular, and I can say that I am feeling loved and held by friends here, and even though this place feels home to me in a way that I can't describe on account of how deep it is, the truth is that I just haven't felt very much like myself lately. Migraines, fluctuating appetite, fire in the hole, feelings of unreality, fatigue.
That 'feelings of unreality' part is a joke.
I miss you guys.